My first STD was from a foam party
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
