I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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