just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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