I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
