sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
