at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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