I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
