Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
