first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
