either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
