God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
