I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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