Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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