just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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