I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
