fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
