She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
