I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
