I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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