i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Randomize
