your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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