I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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