when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
