I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
he told me I talked like a deaf person
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Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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