She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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