I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
