At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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