Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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