Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
