ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
