she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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