theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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