I can't watch pbs sober anymore
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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