Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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