There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
