2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
