I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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