I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
