he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".