Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
