Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
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It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
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I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!