At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
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I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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