i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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