i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
