I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
