he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
