I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
