The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
