New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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