I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
