Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
