I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
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i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
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FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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