You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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