so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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