We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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