I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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