Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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