Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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