i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
