Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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