And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so let's talk penis.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
