I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
