There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
