I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
